from april 2005

you've got sensual and delicate lips
like you've got something to say but dare not say it
as if you're some pompous ass who thinks highly of yourself
but you're not at all

they're fun to kiss
the way they press against my lips and you tilt your head like this to deepen it
and explore the recesses of my mouth
and i've kissed you so many times before but none feel like this

i have no room to vocalize the way i feel because
you've got my lips captured into a searing lock
and you've thrown the key into the high seas
nowhere to be found, just like my voice
so my only way to show it is to pull you closer
and enjoy you taking all of me

and i won't protest
and i won't regret
and i won't stop until each of us runs out of breath,
my vision gets cloudy from the lack of air,
but you breathe some life in me like no other person has done before

so i let you
whatever wherever whenever
the sooner the better
coz i can't hold this feeling of anxiety
of wanting to hold you inside of me
exploring the recesses of my soul as
walls collide
and friction emanates between us
pushing us to that limit
the furthest level reaching
higher and higher in a heart-stopping crescendo
making beautiful music
that i can sing on my own when you're not looking

and you're watching me from less than an inch
so move a bit and let me stare at your lips one more time
before it disappears again as we turn off the lights

Tongues, Teeth, and Treason

The character finds herself in a dangerous guerilla faction in the southern Philippines after heading down there to find her sister. She disguises herself as a man (since it's not too hard for her) but her identity is accidentally revealed later. This scene is one of the ones that follow as she is taken prisoner.

She experienced a moment's shock when she felt his tongue dart into her mouth savagely, sluicing the tip of its tongue across the cavern of her mouth. It excitedly rolled from the backs of her molars to tangle with her own stiff tongue, and felt very much like a large, slimy worm was struggling its way into her throat.

Despite the scorching heat of the sun, a cold shock wave penetrated her bones and rendered her stiff as she stared at the man. Somewhere in the back of her mind a raving conscience shrieked indignation and downright outrage. Before Jamie could stop herself, her teeth clamped down on the man's roving tongue with the unforgiving speed of a guillotine and with no less force.

Jamie knew a moment's pause as she felt the gummy yet hard tongue grate against her teeth and she let go just as quickly. Bile rose up her throat as she stared wide-eyed at the man, as his scream in her ears sounded strangely tangled as his tongue hung limp over his lips, blood steadily trickling down from the dark pinpricks where her teeth had just been.

A large, blunt force across her cheek knocked her flat on the ground, sharp as marble and just as hard. The world dissolved in a dull blur.

"Bitch!" a voice yelled hoarsely above her after he backhanded her. "Puta!" Another sharp kick attacked her right rib and she rolled to find her heaving face against the dirt.

Gasping for breath and choking on dust and gravel, she shoved her hands upon the ground and lifted herself to breathe. Slowly, she drew herself up on her knees and sat on her heels, still clutching her ribs tightly, with her head bowed down in pain. She could hear the man breathing a few feet away from her right.

Her hair lifted slightly as a coarse breeze flowed past. Suddenly, a large glob of spit caught her across her red cheeks to drip slowly down her chin to mingle with a single tear. The corners of her mouth dripped with a blood not her own.

A spray of dirt hit her face and she heard the man turn around and stomp away. And in the relative silence of the dusty clearing, her body heaved and shook powerfully, almost as if she were sobbing. And she felt acute remorse --- not because she was thoroughly humiliated --- but because despite the vulgarity of it, that had been her first kiss.

"spoiled" (inspired by harry potter)

I'm spoiled
By your love boy
No matter how I try to change my mind
What's the point it's just a waste of time
I'm spoiled by your touch boy
The love you give is just too hard to find
Don't want to live without you in my life
I'm spoiled
"Spoiled" - Joss Stone

She couldn't keep the ghost of his smile away from her mind. That all-knowing grin, which seemed to show the world how he owns it, or in other cases seemed to show how he carried it. She noticed how he raked his thoughts the way he raked away flakes of worry from the mop that is his head -- the way black shadows of doubt seemed to fly away from his face. This was the moment where, as hard as she fought the will to smile at him when he wasn't looking, or when he was just talking animatedly as the world is drawn to him, she was losing.

Utterly and completely losing ... her mind?

Or was she lost, and now she was being found?

She has fought the instances when she found herself staring at him at dinners or when he's studying intently. There was something about the way he seemed to make the words stand out of their pages like leaves fall in autumn, only to be swallowed by his focused gaze, the way she seemed to fall into his eyes, hypnotized before she even realized it.

She bit her lip. The more she resisted, the stronger her feelings were aflamed, the more she tried to avoid him, the more she was afraid she'd never see him again. What was wrong with her? Resisting James' perusal had been proven valuable in the past two years; the walls she had built up in defence had given her immense satisfaction and his constant rejection -- something he had shaken lightly in her opinion. How ironic it is now that the same walls have crushed down without her victorious Joshua not knowing.

For some boy who was the most intelligent one in her year, he surely was the most oblivious one when it came to her.

And she was just as clueless when it came to him.

She scoffed, momentarily shaking James' concentration.

"All right, Lily?"

She blushed at the sound of his voice, shaking her too. Had he caught her staring? "What the hell is it to you?"

He raised a brow, lips itching to rise in mock annoyance. "You can tone it down you know," he scratched the bridge of his nose while he shrugged, "I've never met a girl who swears more than you do. You must be a dirty-talker in bed." And he grinned, mischief dancing in his hazel eyes.

"And what if I am?" She breezed, challenging his gaze.

"Prove it."

introducing jamie (still unedited)

Jamie read the tick marks on the measuring tape. 29 in… 31 in… 32 in.

Her breasts were getting bigger. Shit.

Jamie sighed heavily and dropped the measuring tape in the sink. At this rate, by next year her breasts were going to grow as big as her head and she’d have to give them names. She looked down. The left would be Lewis, and the other Clark.

Because she’d hope they’d go away as soon as possible to explore the world, never to be seen again.

She huffed loudly and it sent her short hair flying. She was in agony.

Well… at least she wasn’t a David and Goliath, she thought. God forbid.

She looked down again, and stifled a giggle, which instead came out in a very loud snort.

And then Jamie’s body jerked all of a sudden when the wooden door banged loudly and rattled against its flimsy frame.

“Jamie!” The singsong voiced called out, sounding muffled at the other side of the door. It was Ate Sophia. “We’re going now! Marilyn is outside already.”

“Er…” Jamie looked at the mirror. She was stark naked except for her panties. “I’m almost done.” She swore softly as she grabbed the wide elastic band and strung it around her breasts.

“What did you say?” Ate Sophia demanded.

“Nothing,” Jamie replied as she made several more rotations and secured the band tightly. Good God. She’d worked a sweat over that. She gazed at her breasts forlornly. She’d probably lose at least an inch or two with the bindings.

“Jamie, come on!”

“Okay, okay! Sorry.” Man! All this fuss for church. She quickly grabbed the flowery, oversized blouse and shoved it over her head. She buttoned the blouse while she yanked the long plain skirt over her legs, then thrust her feet into her slippers and stepped out.

Ate Sophia was outside waiting.

“Dear God, Jamie,” she said slowly. “You do go out of your way to look plain.”

“It’s… humble,” Jamie mumbled as she patted her short, thick hair down neatly.

Ate Sophia continued to stare at her for a moment, looking almost concerned. Jamie didn’t want to see it. “Come on, let’s go,” she said as she walked out the screen door. She stepped out and squinted under the bright, hot rays of the sun.

peace

[4.3.2005]
find that inner strength
that core where the pillars stand
that breeze where the bamboos sway
that music in your ears that tingles your senses
find that sadness you're willing to subside
for a happiness than only you can provide
find that swell with a beat up surfboard
and ride until you hit the sand without getting caught in the undertow
find the lines of age on your father's face
and trace it with a finger to your heart
find your mother's face in a clouded mirror
when you look at your reflection in the morning after a shower
the trees rustle at night on your bedroom window
as the moon shines and peaks into the cubicle
of dreams of aspirations of failed attempts and passion
the white walls speak the language of your ancestors in each picture
raising questions and those answers
find them

find that moment when you close those brown eyes
and the world turns from different hues of red brown and black
so you can breathe
so you can sleep
so you can finally find peace

the beginning of the 'novel' unedited

[written july 19, 2006]

Hmm.

It was dark. He knew he was somewhere, somehow floating in the deep recesses of an unseen world. The darkness, the silence, the floating would have unsettled him in another place and time, but for some reason, right now he felt strangely relieved, and blissfully content.

All of a sudden, he felt a sharp, piercing pain shoot across his forehead, and his body jerked. His eyes wrenched open of their own accord, and he found himself staring at a multitude of sweaty, dark heads bobbing up and down a few feet in front of him. He tried to move his mouth, and winced. His cheek was lodged heavily against the stone beneath him. He blinked again. The tiniest of breezes blew over him, and he felt the cool outline of drool --- thankfully, his own --- and the thick wetness of the stone beneath, where it had trailed down towards.

“Hoy. You’re awake.” The voice was not his. Somewhere above him, behind him, he didn’t know. But, strangely enough, without him sending any mental commands, his body refused to move, and his heart dropped a little at the sound of the voice. For a moment, the man sleepily marveled at how his body could already respond to the environment around it while his brain was still trying to figure out where it was.

“Hey. Look. Here. Here’s a book.” The voice came back again. This time, he registered its tone. Quiet, condescending. Mocking, even. “Read it. I think you’ll like it.”

He groaned softly. His own groan was music to his ears. He smiled stupidly.

He’d been lying on his side, and he leaned on his forearm to get himself to a sitting position on the warm, slimy stone floor. He absently laid his head on a long, rusty band of metal.

That’s when he really opened his eyes. The sweaty, bobbing heads suddenly veered into focus, and the fluorescent light from the ceiling above shone sharper, stinging his eyes. Jail. Prison. Death.

...

He lifted his head and in awakened clarity, looked around at the prisoners resting and snoring around him. A pitiful sea of humanity, drifting and floating in their own little worlds, faces covered in grime and sweat, clothes whose colors have long faded away. The bodies literally surrounded him, from the men sitting sleepily in front of him to the boards on top of his head, which held even more sleeping prisoners.

This was the Philippines he knew.

Because despite those white pristine beaches he’d never visited, and the
pictures of wide-eyed tarsiers he knew would be staring back at him once he opened that tourist book, nothing could change the fact that he was now looking at the shameful, the guilty, and the hopeless people of the Philippines in the face. Faces with histories a tourist book wouldn’t necessarily want to elaborate on. Faces like his own.

He just thanked God he wasn’t in Building One. He knew the numbers.

More than a thousand dead men walking.

Welcome to the Philippines, he thought grimly. The next death-penalty capital of the world.

three forty in the morny

three forty in the morny
the fuchsia hued liquid of my evian bottle
lies dormant yet potent
the elixir runs through my veins like a desperate madman
thrusting itself into the multitude of brain cells
making me feel driven to mania... maybe
and the freshly cut sandwich lies to my right
carbohydrates, cellulose fiber, protein, and triglycerides
all enmeshed in a healthy concoction
a recipe
for individuals that torture themselves
by seeking production and passion
at three forty in the morny

we stare fixedly at our laptops
the glare of the screen illuminating our faces
in this already bright, fluorescent world
high ceilings and victorian brick
reminiscent of a castle
supported by the beams
of compiled signifiers.
and we are
reminiscent of children
supported by the dreams
of compiled blankets.
he. he. he. he.

transient & love

[8.19.06]
filling in blocks of hours in a day for your education
filling in 8 glasses of water to hydrate
filling in moments of time slipping away
feeling movement and pressure build up in a week

and that is your life
wasted beneath the sheets
miracle happens when you're asleep

filling in 12 hours on the dot w/o a minute being paid
filling in shots of liquid waste to wash off the dirt, hands off inhibitions late
filling breaths of air to the drone that's become your everyday face

and that is your life wasted beneath the sheets

now put it on repeat.

--
we give, we give, and we give
until our nothings become something precious.
and that is the beauty and curse of sacrifice.

i give, i give, and i give
not because i have material riches to spare
but because i love, i love, i love

and i am loved in return.